half_orc

Did you know that when you change your flat alloy tyre on a Mercedes A class for the steel rimmed spare tyre the dealer provided with the car, that the extra long bolts from the alloy now poke through the new tyre far enough to start shredding your brake disks and locking your wheel in place with now bent bolts?

Neither did I until I just spent the last 2 hours conducting the above experiment.

If I'd had any cash on me I would have tipped the amazing RAC man who helped me get the car out of the road.

For one week only - http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio3/performanceon3/pip/6vk0r/

THIS CARD RELATES TO GAME # 2

my status

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So the Lancet has published a report that claims that 2% (601,000) of the Iraqi population has been killed in violent deaths since we, and it was in all our names, invaded.

The Confederancy of Dunces retorted that they officially ackonledged that 50,000 Iraqi civilians had died whilst the King Dunce just appeared on the duncebox that saying he thinks it's probably sorta more like 30,000 civilians but he's proud that the Iraqi's are putting up with it and wants the Iraqi government to make sure that people feel 'more at peace'.

Now.

If the Pentagon claim ~50,000 civilians then why did no journalist there ask how many had died that they would catagorize as Enemy Combatants? Any Shia v Sunni action (a.k.a. the civil war) would be chalked down as Insurgents and the official figures are only the morgue and hospital counts of a nation that 'doesn't do body counts' [Donald Duck].

As a really petty aside - it's alright for Gordon Brown to talk tough on terrorism but Scotland will never, ever be a target in this 'War'.

Pfff

Reading various reviews of Al Gore's ecocational film, An Incovenient Truth, the most powerful impact on the collective American audience of the effects of global warning is not the millions of people dead, displaced or diseased or the destruction of animal and plant species but the fact that Ground Zero would become Underwater Zero.

Now that's intelligent green politics. If Princess Di had been pulled from her accident paralyzed from the neck down how far along do you think the research on stem cell technology would be today?

I have 3 tickets for tomorrows show.

Any takers?

I've always enjoyed the evocotive nature of standing in a fresh thunderstorm but having just run outside with a naked baby who has suffered awfully of chickenpox and a fever over the last three days and felt the weary and the worry wash off of us both I'll appreciate it's soul restoring power with a touch more insight in the future. Rain on!

(I wore trunks but the commuters in the street did still stare somewhat.)

I've received notification that I had won 300,000+ euros in the EuroMillones Sweepstake and all I have to do is keep quiet about it for a while (Due to some mix up or another) and send them my bank details.

'So what' you say?

This time it was through the post! With a Spanish stamp on and everything. Proper claim forms (well - a rather low quality A4 word doc printout with low-res logos).

I feel so 80's.

Wouldn't it be amazing if I'd just inherited a brothel in the heart of the sex tourist area of one of Thailands tropical paradise beach resorts?

No. What would be amazing would be to find out I've inherited TWO brothels.

That's one for Sunday best!

Firstly there's the rather blandly named Palmers Bar which has 22 girls who pay me 500 Baht (£7) a trick to work out of the bar. The other is called the Butterfly Beer Bar and apparently is beachfront in Boyztown so I can cater to all my friends. I don't know what sort of money I'm creaming from that place yet but all of the people on my friends list gets a guarenteed buy 1 get 4 free offer.

Oh. And I've just done a covert deal with the local funeral director to split the ashes into 3 different urns all with Authentication so that I can convince the various family factions that I've given them his *real* remains and tricked those other evil family people who wanted him buried in Thailand/England/Floated out to sea on rose petals.

This is feeling like a proper Event.

He lived right next to this and may possibly have drained a few acres of rice fields nearby to build on ...

I have waves of dreading having to deal with the locals out there and then read about Elephant Villages where you can hire them for 50p an hour to ride ; Monkey Training Centers with snake houses and cock fights ; Crocodile Farms with 200+ crocs and albino bears ; Tifinny's, the most spectacular Transvestite Vaudaville show in the World.

I honestly don't know why my dad moved out there.

-----------

There are actually 250 foriegn national deaths in Pattaya every year. Mostly heart attacks caused through alcohol and Viagra abuse (no joke).

Here is an article with a picture of my dead dad.

***You are Warned***

So how about this for a NaNaWriMo narrative?

Man receives blessing of a newborn child after various tears and traumas only to be greeted with news of the death of his estranged (27 years) father (aged 55). Said father having had no will and having never remarried means people start looking at Man for decisions. The father has apparently spent the last years of his life in Thailand, which is where his body is. Rumours filter though of a possible owned bar and condominiums.

Much hilarity and tradegy ensues as Man travels to Thailand to unravel the life of Father against a backdrop of the turmoil of a foreign land and the tumultuous emotions of unresolved family tensions.

...

Apparently I'm not allowed to tick a box labelled 'Feed him to the dogs coz I'm not forking out to bring his body back'.

Holiday in Thailand anyone?

We've all heard stories of fae creatures stealing away babies and replacing them, yes?

Well this is an undoctored picture of my undoctored baby. He's looked like this from birth and it's not going away. Zoinks!








I'll add some other pics behind this ( cut )

Saturday 11.20am, 7lbs 7oz, emergency C-section.

Am knackered but mother and baby doing well but under observation for infections.

Bedwards ho!

Well here goes the great right wing lurch.

Carrie's waters broke half an hour ago. There are no other signs of labour so they'll induce tomorrow morning if nothing happens before then.

I really, really must get around to thinking up a name. Asquith? Bombadier?

I really liked the libidenous ginga gnome. Not his policies as such but his humour and the way he was a political Player (PvP)

I hope he doesn't RIP tho'.I hope he haunts Tone, shaking his chains and moaning 'Twat. Twat. Lying Fucking Twat. We all know you lied you Cunt and there's no harp and cloud provided for you and Bush by your imaginary friend when you die, there's only historical scorn and all those people you've caused to die. Waiting. Hungrily.'

Such a bitter-sweet quandry.

I made a bet/deal with Carrie that if the baby was a boy then I would get to name him and if it was a girl then she could name her. Carrie was absolutely certain it was a girl, her friends would touch her stomach with knowing looks on their faces and signed the baby up into the secret distaff colleges of power (as opposed to the hard knocks variety us blokes get sent to) and even I had accepted the pitter patter of stilettoes.

Well after much hassle with the hospital, where-in they refused to tell us the sex of the baby, we have finally found out ...

It's a boy.

So I've got to come up with a (semi) serious name and there's no veto. I've also got to come up with something that I really wish I'd done with my life so I can live vicariously from now on. The 2 are linked you see.

Jason Junior would work well. 'J J' Kirkpatrick, undisputed middleweight boxing champion of the world? yeh?

Hmmm. 9 weeks to decide.

One of my favourite charities, MIND, has just opened a branch on my doorstep so I did the right thing and just went and dumped a load of stuff I'm fed up hanging around the house on them.

In their book/record/vid section they have all the Bab5, Angel, Voyager, Dune, CoDune, Friends etc on vid in mint condition. The asking price seems to be generally 5 for £10. Is anyone out there missing something in their collection that they want me to scoop up? I don't have a vid myself so I don't know if these are OK prices but I got myself a Moorcock that fills a hole for 50p so I consider today a win.

The not so funny story about books and charity shops was that when I last moved I boxed up all the ones I wanted to keep and gave the rest away. When I unpacked I of course found out that I had nobly donated all my old favourites and kept the tat. That's why I like hunting them all back down, even if I don't actually want the book.

Some idiot has given me a job that involves me playing with needles, chemicals and steam guns, with a side effect of bizarre tattoos on my arms and face.

It's running a Cartridge World shop in North Finchley. Well, it will be running it as soon as I get the hand of getting the ink in the printer cartridges rather than on me, the walls and the ceiling.

Pros: 10 minutes scooterage from home. 9:30 start. 5.00 finish most days of the week. A product that I actually agree with and with a scope to grow strongly and steadily.

Cons: Being manager means Saturdays off are going to have to be carefully planned. It feels a bit of a dumbed down job. Starting money.

Clincher: If the owner do what they say and leave me to make the lions share of the decisions then it will be something I will enjot getting my teeth into. If they are poking their nose in every 5 minutes and try to micro-manage me then it will turn into the sort of frustration that you can put up with if someone is paying you 35K but not if your pay depends on the profitability of the shop.

Oh - a tip for people trying to lose weight in the new year. Using a pumice stone to remove said above tattoos allows you to slough 2 or 3 layers of skin, which over a large portion of your body can amount to significant lightening.

Lest we Forget.









Post-it notes day.

Apparently I have to post a poem.

Here is one by the greatest wordsmith ever to climb out of a pit. Tic Toc.

Ode to beautiful and fragrant Maeve Gunnarsdottir.

Roses are red,
Violence is twisted.
Bend over love,
You're about to get fisted.

Ahem. *twitch* *twitch*

I'm actually rather fond of this because of the good memories it stirs from Burn's Night Parties.

Ode To a Haggis

Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great Chieftan o' the Puddin-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace
As lang's my arm.
The groaning trencher there ye fill,
Your hurdies like a distant hill,
Your pin wad help to mend a mill
In time o' need,
While thro' your pores the dews distil
Like amber bead.
His knife see Rustic-labour dight,
An' cut you up wi' ready slight,
Trenching your gushing entrails bright
Like onie ditch;
And then, O what a glorious sight,
Warm-reekin, rich!
Then, horn for horn they stretch an' strive,
Deil tak the hindmost, on they drive,
Till a' their weel-swall'd kytes belyve
Are bent like drums;
Then auld Guidman, maist like to rive,
Bethankit hums.
Is there that owre his French ragout,
Or olio that wad staw a sow,
Or fricassee wad mak her spew
Wi' perfect sconner,
Looks down wi' sneering, scronful' view
On sic a dinner?
Poor devil! see him owre his trash,
As feckless as a wither'd rash,
His spindle shank a guid whip-lash,
His nieve a nit;
Thro' bluidy flood or field to dash,
O how unfit!
But mark the Rustic, haggis-fed,
The trembling earth resounds his tread,
Clap in his walie nieve a blade,
He'll mak it whissle;
An' legs, an' arms, an' heads will sned,
Like taps o' thrissle.
Ye Pow'rs wha gie us a' that's gude
Still bless auld Caledonia's brood,
Wi' great John Barleycorn's heart's bluid
In stoups or luggies;
And on our boards, that king o' food,
A gud Scotch Haggis!

You're in the Loner box.


What box do you get put in?
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Why O why O why do I want to go to the G?

I am _so_ tempted to just half-orc it and gain an advantage out of the rain/mud/cold rather than ruin £x worth of decent kit.